Somewhere I belong

I wanna heal, I wanna to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erased off the pain till it's gone)

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I seriously don't know how to write this entry. I had a ton of words to write but I don't know how to start it. This entry is supposed to be published way long ago but it was delayed due to stupid brain by the author.

My blog, I always try to fill in as much about me as possible so that people reading it can know more about me. But it is impossible to list out everything about me. The list of foods that I dislike, the foods that I hate, the drinks that I love, the place that I like and such. Too many to say, too insignificant to type. Some things are not meant to be said in personal blogs because it's too personal. Family matters, sex life or even grudges. Everyone has a secret. Maybe I held more.

You see me going around like a mad guy doesn't means that I'm not stressed up. Obviously, stress makes people mad. I just want to live a normal life and be happy. Everything about me is simply abnormal. Sometimes, I really wish that I can escape the urban stress and teleport into a paradise. A place where I won't get stressed and I can live happily. Too much fairy tales isn't doing anything good to my brain. Or is it I'm to lazy to live in this world?

Went to the Subordinate Court a few weeks back to settle something. The air during the hearing is really tense. You can hear the hair falling off your head if you pay a little less attention to the judge. Really hate it. Been thinking alot the previous holiday. Finding ways to keep myself happy and occupied from the dead.

Sorry to those who get worried whenever I say "I don't wish to die". Well, I really don't wish to die. To me, death is a terrible thing. I don't want to be lifeless. Don't think too much, I'm not suffering from any funny illness. Okay, at least not for now because I haven't been to the doctor for checkup. You will know if I'm down with any diseases when it strikes me. The truth is always so hard to swallow. Once it's swallow, digest it and let it shit. Everything will be fine again?

Coal, with pressure and heat, it will become a diamond. The pressure must be suitable else it will break. Just like people. You, me and everyone else is just a piece of coal waiting to become a sparkling diamond. Pressure applied. Those who cannot withstand the pressure choose to end their life in the crudest way. Those who endure will be somewhere near diamond. Diamonds are rare.

Well for me, I prefer to be who I am. Apply pressure on the coal, but what does the coal says? Coal may not worth as lot as diamond but it's useful too. Do you use diamond to start a BBQ fire? Why do people everytime assume the value of an item off it's appearances and price tag. It isn't very fair. Well, try removing all the cleaners in Singapore for 1 week and see how important they are.

I live in this ever-changing, ever-growing, ever-evolving, world. What is the choices left for me to think. I can never find the place that I belong to. My life is being push around doing things I never really like. Maybe I'm just plain lazy to work through the hardship. Of course I can stop thinking like this and say to myself "work hard or lose out". But what's the point? I'm not lazy. I love working for something I like.

Why am I typing so much nonsense into one entry? People won't be reading the full length story anyway. I still got alot to say. Sometimes, I tell my mother that being a monk is so cool. They have no worries in life. Or am I wrong? My brother says that being a monk is a waste of life, they do nothing everyday. Is it? I can tell that my mum is really worried about me being a monk one day. Well, sorry mother. I can't predict the future. I don't know what will happen to me the next minute.

Summarize it up. I just want to lead a life where I can be happy for my life and be happy for who I am. Even if I made a mistake in life, I can pick up from where I left and get walking again. Life is like a journey you say. So, to everyone out there reading this, stop forcing me to do things against my wish. I have a life, you have a life, don't make my life yours.

If you are wondering what's with the opening, it's a song by Linkin Park titled "Somewhere I Belong".

I wanna find something I've wanted all along.
Somewhere I belong.

Give praise

Thought of writing this entry after recalling a newspaper article a few months back. A school in Singapore decide to reward student for doing good doing instead of punishing student for doing wrong doing. I give this school two thumbs up.

I remember in secondary school, the teachers and principal always punish student when they did something wrong. Well, I don't have any objection with that but why weren't we rewarded for doing something good. For say we found $10 and we return it to the General Office, what happens to the $10 remains a mystery. There is even a 1% chance your name will be mentioned during the next school assembly.

So, the teachers will just say "you should not ask for reward for doing something you should do". The "something you should do" refers to all the good things that you did during your school that you think is right but the school think it's "normal".

Is it so hard to give praise? Yeah, I know that Jack Neo's movie, I Not Stupid Too, talked about this issue. The movie encourage parents and teaching staff to praise student for their work instead of looking at the bad side everytime. A 10 marks improvement from 30 to 40 is still considered as a fail but it's an improvement of 10 marks and 1 grade.

Well, people just like the end result. They don't like the process. That's why there is alot of test cheater in secondary school. What they want is the score on their result slip, not the fact that whether they really study to deserve it or not. After all, not many would remember the details of the textbook 10 years later. How is pressure formed?

Sorry that I always give example of schooling life because I'm still a student. I wonder if the working life is the same as schooling life. Does the boss praise their worker for good work?

Okay, even me myself don't have the habit of praising people when they do something good. Guess I got to start learning the skill too.

Now, praise me for my wonderful entry.

Chinese poem :: Leaf

This is my first attempt in writing a chinese poem. Although I find chinese word is easier to rhyme, but you need to have the feeling and make it rhyme with meaning. I'm sorry if this poem is not well written because I didn't study higher chinese nor chinese literature. I'm just an average chinese with average standard of chinese.

This poem is titled "Leaf" to show the strong life of a leaf. The leaf is living on a tree but he wants to get close to the flower below him. When the leaf is close to the flower, he then realise that there is already another leaf for the flower. Describing the life, sadness, lust and vibrant of leaf in a romantic chinese poetic feel.

Okay, I know you have been waiting. But before viewing the poem, you agree that you will not edit, copy, record, store, misue or re-publish this poem in another website without my permission. If you really like it, let me know. If you don't like it, let me know. If you want to use it, let me know. If you got a comment on it, let me know.















Don't say you don't understand what I'm trying to say because you are adviced to read paragraph 2 of this entry before making such comment. If there's any line you don't understand, ask. I will be glad to answer.